# Fucktard(s) of the week (Special Wanking Edition) - Site: Analog Industries - Author: Chris Randall - Date: 2006-07-02 - URL: https://analogindustries.com/2006/07/fucktard-s-of-the-week-special-wanking-edition/ If someone tried to pull this shit out on a session I was working on, I'd say "okay, dude, you're not getting paid per note." The absolute worst form of musical masturbation, now with makeup and pleather. ## Comments (24) **the casiotone** (2006-07-02): But do these guys think that anyone actually cares how fast they play? The only kind of people that i know that actually give a fuck are other guitar players that play like this. Reminds me of that stupid joke: how many guitar players do you need to change a light bulb? 10, 1 to do it, 9 to say they could done it better **ecallender** (2006-07-02): Clowns. **Heretic_D™** (2006-07-02): I don't get it. Why did they film that? **uvacom** (2006-07-02): The thing that's so painful about all of this to me is that it takes so much time and energy to get to that level of playing ability that it really absorbs a person's identity when that becomes the goal. When they reach it, they haven't really done much except play guitar and talk about playing guitar, so they have nothing to express with their music other than "I can play guitar really goddamn fast". Wow - what a deep revelation. You've really captured the essence of the human spirit there. I don't care how large your vocabulary is, I don't care how fast or how clearly you can speak - if you don't have anything to say, don't talk. Put down your guitar and go have a life experience worth talking about, *then* come back and tell me about it with your guitar. **itdoesntsuck** (2006-07-02): If someone can play like this and enjoys it WTF? The world is full of odd people doing strange things, some of them geniuses, other fucktards. The better they are at whatever they do, the more animosity they generate, mostly IMHO because people watching have a hidden jealous streak and their own agenda. As long as these guys aren't going around telling everyone "look at how great I am" or "my guitar playing is better than yours", I say leave out the personal attacks. On the other hand, I personally find this type of guitar playing very irritating, sort of like speeding up practicing scales to such a degree that you're performing granular synthesis, producing ambient noise ;-) But, hey, ambient noise is ART. On a side note, if you're in Toronto check out http://www.theambientping.com/ **dan s** (2006-07-02): What struck me was how unimaginative the backing was. C'mon guys if you're even gonna bother record this stuff why can't you make something more interesting than what I learned in music class when I 12? **RexRhino** (2006-07-02): See, the part I dislike about it most is how everyone who plays this kind of masturbation rock has the exact same sounding guitar. Maybe it is because I am into synthesis that I want to hear new sounds and textures, but couldn't this guys use different kinds of effects, modulation, whatever, something to get the guitars to sound a little different? I mean, it is almost like they intentionally decided to make their guitars sound as generic as possible! It is not the notes they are playing that I dislike... or even the 80s style outfits (who knows, maybe this was filmed in the 80s)... it is that cheesy guitar SOUND! **inteliko** (2006-07-02): That shit was cheese!I turned it off at the tap ons.True there was alot of stuff like this in the 80's,most ppl I knew with a metal up your ass t-shirt who evolved beyond the D,E, and F power chords strived to sound like this though...and then came Nirvana! **InvisibleMensch** (2006-07-02): That stuff isn't music, it's finger gymnastics. **mitchell** (2006-07-02): I have to admit, I have some shredding in my past, and I largely gave it up for many of the reasons discussed above... mainly when I realized that songs had become excuses for a guitar solo, and I realized songs were cooler than solos (girls feel that way too... that's a plus). I assume this video was shot at Musician's Institute in Hollywood, where they encourage dated clothing/hairstyles and rapid personality-less guitar playing. But still... go to youtube and find some Paul Gilbert videos. He plays as fast or faster than the nitwits in this video (love the bandana thingee on the headstock), but it's nothing like this video... even at a thousand miles an hour, he's so musical, and has tons of "feel" (I hate using the the term)... and his humor and attitude shines through always, unlike these clueless cheeseballs... mitchell **Lindon** (2006-07-02): When in sessions with "people" like this I like to stare thru' the control rooom window at them and say two words down the talk back...... Steve. Cropper. **the casiotone** (2006-07-02): "When in sessions with "people" like this I like to stare thru' the control rooom window at them and say two words down the talk back...... Steve. Cropper." me 2, but it's: call. down. **frugalpole** (2006-07-02): the 1 in pink has to be a chic. serious. **Chris Randall** (2006-07-02): "He didn't play in Poison... Hey, wait..." I was doing a session at Chicago Trax once, and Derek Frigo (shredder for Enuff Z'Nuff) was hanging out a bit, and wanted to play a solo on the song. We're like "sure, why not." So he played the typical early 90s metal solo, and we're all like "hey, that's great. Got any coke?" So, I'm passing through the lounge later, and I hear him on the phone "yeah, I played on this track. I saved the fucking song..." We ended up reversing the entire solo and running it through an H3000. He's in there. -CR **americanjunky** (2006-07-02): That was totally devoid of soul of any sort, I also hope someone stabs that guy with the bare midriff, with his own damn soulless pointy ass guitar. CR, I could never really figure out why Frigo hubg out at Trax so much, he was a trip. **ecallender** (2006-07-02): Chris, where do you find these fucktards? This is gratuitous fucktardosity! Hey, Let's get these guys together with David Lee Roth on vocals and Ethan Winer on bass. They'll can tear shit up at every state fair west of the Mississippi... doing Starship covers. Brilliant idea? Yeah, I know, I've got tons of 'em. **Suit & Tie Guy** (2006-07-03): a) yeah, paul gilbert has more of a point than these clowns. b) if you actually asked that dude if he had any coke i will make and give you a free 3-shot 16 oz mocha next time you're in Chillcothe. c) ethan winer and dave roth have more feeling and intent than these dudes, to the exponential power of ten. please don't insult them by comparing them to him. it's like saying that i could learn something from the FUBU-wearing rock-smoking oldpeople-rippingoff gospel organist who decided he'd try to own me after my gig on friday on my own organ: he played a bunch of cool shit, but he smokes rocks and wears FUBU. what the fuck is that? man chris, you should make rock-smoking FUBU-wearing shitbag of a baptist/AME/whoeverwillpayhim organist your fucktard of the week next week. i'll have the U-Toob vid up and he's actually playing good. you can point out that this is what smoking rocks will do to you: showing up at STG's gig at the very end and trying to hold an impromptu church service off of a shout-funk interpretation of "Chameleon" for an hour ... then waiting around while STG packs up so he thinks you're going to jack his shit while he loads it in his '95 Villager with the busted window. **pepezabala** (2006-07-03): Hey, make them watch this video: http://www.djangobooks.com/archives/2006/02/02/django_reinhardt_and_the_qhcf_1938_jattendrai.html#000556 Django had only two fingers and played some arpeggios way faster than they could ever. In 1938. **Dean Dunakin** (2006-07-03): I think that was Karaoke guitar. Why else would you have three lead guitars, unless you're Spinal Tap? Seriously, that could have been a boombox playing behind them. Maybe if we got 20 of these guys together we could have some sort of super-fast guitar orchestra. **Chris Randall** (2006-07-03): You could call it the Dorchestra. -CR **Dean Dunakin** (2006-07-03): Or if they stay a 3-piece they could be The Talented Ass-Clowns. **uvacom** (2006-07-04): STG - the only problem with that whole story is that from the description, he actually sounds pretty badass. Now, I'm not condoning rock-smoking, but if that's what it takes for this dude to light shit up on the organ, well...I guess I *am* condoning rock-smoking. As for the FUBU, well...coloreds do a lot of things that are beyond my primitive caucasian comprehension. **neilium** (2006-07-05): RexRhino, Don't get me wrong, shred guitar is a headache disguised as music, and watching it is like watching gym class (and we're not talking about girls' swimming). But, you talk as if guitarists have a monopoly on lame sounds. Perhaps we all need to remember: -gated reverb on the snare -the orchestra hit -slap bass -squawking 303s -the "vocals through the telephone" filter -gangsta monosynth lines -the piccolo snare Most people make music the way that most people get tattoos. They're supposedly making some statement about their individuality, but in fact they're doing the same shit everyone else does. Rock those presets! **jetsetcrash** (2006-07-09): whoah, you guys are way out of it...these guys are TOTALLY RAD...THREE DUDES TRADING OFF SHREDDING LICKS...are you kidding me...sick! it's so post modern it pukes on all that glitchy wanna be digi-garbage...these guys are the future like wild stallions... no joke!