# Why I Don't Like The Theremin: A Simple Example... - Site: Analog Industries - Author: Chris Randall - Date: 2006-08-14 - URL: https://analogindustries.com/2006/08/why-i-dont-like-the-theremin-a-simple-example/ I have this theory about guys that wear kilts. (Not Scottish Gentry, of course. I mean the kind of guys who's 'day' job is as a bouncer at a goth club.) The reason I find them so fucking annoying is not the fact that they wear kilts. I mean, who gives a rat's ass what you wear? It's the fact that they talk about it incescently. As in "dude! I can't wait until casual Friday! I'm gonna wear my kilt!" Their entire life revolves around the various opportunities one might have for wearing a kilt, and it seems it's all they care about. I find theremins to be strikingly similar. There isn't much in the audio world more annoying than the caterwauling of a poor theremin player. (Well, Diamond Dave is more annoying, but not by much.) It's not so much that I hate theremins as an instrument. I just hate the fact that people that aren't very good with that instrument seem to take a special kind of pride in inflicting it on others. With this entry, I try to see what that feels like, by inflicting the world's most annoying song, performed on the world's most annoying instrument, by someone that I'm sure is annoying in real life. It's like an annoying trifecta. Enjoy. ## Comments (20) **itdoesntsuck** (2006-08-14): Most theremin players I know (including myself) are very hesitant to inflict their playing on the general public. However, I have to agree with the kilt thing. There are also those who take similar pride in their TV viewing habits: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28694 ;-____ **RexRhino** (2006-08-14): I think a theremin would be pretty useful if they did quantitization on the pitch to make it fit a musical scale. Theremin people tell me this is blasphomy, but my ear just can't get used to how off-pitch your average theremin player sounds. Unless you are a virtuoso player, even what is a simple tune on a standard keyboard sounds pretty aweful. **itdoesntsuck** (2006-08-14): I suggest anyone interested in the theremin check out this guy: http://www.peterpringle.com/ He's not well known or mentioned in most theremin websites, but his pitch accuracy and theremin musicality is the best I've ever heard. IMHO even better than the so-called "masters" like Lydia Kavina **john_o** (2006-08-14): Help us. all the way through the 'intro' to this thing i was saying, "oh no. he isn't he is NOT going to break into 'don't worry be happy.' no one would be that cruel." You really hit on something with the kilt comparison as well. having someone nearby playing theremin is pretty much as bad as having a roommate who is learning the bagpipes. i'm not sure if this is as bad as some guy trying to learn 'amazing grace' and getting the same notes wrong over and over but it is pretty close. It is a little sad when you see old footage of Clara Rockmore and the like who really treated it with respect like an actual musical instrument and all the fucktards out there who just use it to make 'freaky noises,' alongside their digeridoo and whatnot. **herrprof** (2006-08-14): the doc seems to indicate that the current state of theremin technology leaves much to desire, especially in terms of tone and pitch accuracy. Whats stopping someone from making a kickass RCA Tube Theremin Clone? **shamann** (2006-08-14): Next week on Analog Industries: the wonderful world of musical saws. **inteliko** (2006-08-14): Son of a desert dog!!!That location looks pretty hidden!!!!Maybe the TSA will ban theremins! **americanjunky** (2006-08-14): I'm astounded at how truly horrible this is, I would rather practice self love with a cheese grater than learn this guys name. Think of his poor neighbors. **Suit & Tie Guy** (2006-08-14): this is incredible stuff man. thanks for sharing. i especially like how he modified the colour of the chord harmonies to bring out the inherent sadness in that song. btw, did bobby mcferrin fuck your mom or something or do you just hate that song? no, it's never been a lyricly powerful piece of music to me and i don't necessarily like the lyrics either but note-wise it's a nice tune. when i think of "fucking annoying songs" usually what comes to mind is ANY pussy nu-metal. you should make a list of songs you think are annoying for me so i can use audio damage plugins during the production of covers of so you can make fun of me in your blog because that would be amazing. **ortho** (2006-08-14): Anyone here tried to build tha Paia theremin with velocity CV? ha ha ha WTF are you gonna do with velocity control on a theremin? Why not just shake your leg for 'aftertouch' or 'breath control'? **Suit & Tie Guy** (2006-08-14): another thing: guys who could have better taste developing theremin skill to the point where they can play "Don't worry, be happy" on it don't make me hate theremin. dumb indie rockers who think they're post rock superstars who could have better taste not developing theremin skills at all yet "play theremin" on original tunes while wearing a white belt, smoking Parliaments, and swilling PBR down at the Legion hall make me hate theremin. you should find a video of _that_. it would have been a better example. **Chris Randall** (2006-08-14): Anyone that smokes Parliments is suspect in my book, whether or not they play a theremin. And Bobby McFerrin fucked the shit out of my mom. Seriously, though, if you're actually sticking up for that song, well, you've got bigger fish to fry than me making fun of you in my blog. Bobby McFerrin is an incredibly talented singer, and probably the best vocalese performer the world has ever known. However, he does exhibit an occasional lapse in judgement. To wit. In actual fact, most of that particular album is completely unlistenable, IM oh-so HO. Now, this nipplehead serving up the combo platter is another matter entirely. -CR **reset** (2006-08-14): CR, check out my friend from New Orleans http://www.damienstorm.net/ Lawd have murcy! **giantm** (2006-08-14): For me, this just crosses that line of absurdity where you have to laugh. I really doubt this kid is trying to get signed with his amazing theremin / vocal covers of songs people wish hadn't existed in the first place. You have to at least laugh at the idea that some fucktard wasted time to achieve this useless skill. It would have been better though if it were a monkey or possibly a trained chicken (no one would believe it if a chicken did it without training). I agree with the kilt thing also. Also, why is it that the kilt guys always like bondage, anime, and D'n'D? **sascha** (2006-08-15): Here's a beautiful theramin player that plays some really good music. http://www.myspace.com/pameliakurstin **inasilentway** (2006-08-15): I have to say that indeed, while "Don't Worry Be Happy" shows poor judgement, for a theremin player he's not bad. Having attempted to play serious theremin myself, I know getting to the point where you have accurate fingering positions is quite hard. That's what made Clara such a great player: she didn't glide around for the note, she hit them exactly. It's incredibly hard to do considering that a) there is no visual reference and b) the tuning is very sensitive to temperature, what other objects are around, and how your body is positioned. So I give this guy props for being better than I ever will, because I don't have the patience for it when I can do it with synths and actually be in tune. Just making a theremin go "wheeeOOOH" is a lot of fun, but it really should only be done in the privacy of your own home. **mitchell** (2006-08-15): I've had this idiotic exchange with a million off-key singers, so here it goes again... singing/playing off key never ever sounds good. Theremins are hard to play. If you can't play in key, don't do it. Please. I always forget what it's called, but there's a French thingee that uses the same kind of heterodyning oscillator idea as a theremin, but it's just got a long metal strip (like a big ribbon controller), and it only makes noise when you touch it. Granted, you don't have the dynamic control you get with a real theremin(or some non-retards do), but it's a lot easier to play. (I'm not talking about an Ondes Martenot... this is something that's currently made). I played one a while ago at NAMM, and I was rockin' some pretty accurate Portishead in a jiffy (and yes, I know the Portishead stuff is actually Minimoog... this a pre-emptive shut the fuck up). If I remember right, it didn't have too much in the way of markings, and it definitely had no pitch quantization... of course, if your ear/hand/brain pitch quantization apparatus doesn't work very well, that could be a strong indication that you're a) not a musician in the first place, asshole or, b) in a band from Silverlake (see a) mitchell **neilium** (2006-08-16): "...probably the best vocalese performer the world has ever known." That's like saying "greatest octogenarian midget porn star ever." I guess somebody has to be the best, but I don't want to go to the awards ceremony. **michaeluna** (2006-08-16): Ye Gods! When he comes in with the second harmony on the vocal melody line it's the most sickening atrocious sound. I'm not a fan of glissando. Precise microtone scales, maybe sometimes, but pure glissando, no thank you. **john b** (2006-08-17): Pamelia Kurstin is a good player, i've seen her. Quite feisty (in a lovely way) so be careful what you say! > there's a French thingee.... That's a Ondes Martenot, Heard on many a Radiohead recording.