# 1-800-FUKTARD

- Site: Analog Industries
- Author: Chris Randall
- Date: 2007-04-21
- URL: https://analogindustries.com/2007/04/1-800-fuktard/

While it is certainly true that in order to make a living in the music business, you're going to have to swallow your pride at some point, I'm of the firm opinion that you have to [draw the line](http://cto.com/music_bands.cfm?TID=44&ID=106). Diamond Dave is the Fucktard Event Horizon, of course, as one can't be a bigger fucktard, but there's a huge swath of the entertainment industry that exists in that purgatory between "getting by" and "over the edge."

Weren't we just talking about Genesis? That's just creepy. I'm never going to look at a soprano sax as a potential lead instrument ever again after seeing that. What is it about soprano sax players and perms? Does playing the instrument with any proficiency (and I use that term loosely) also inform your hair style? And can't a soprano sax play in tune? Is it that hard?

In any case, more power to 'em for making a living making music. Somebody has to do it, I guess. Alex Byrd is to blame for bringing this to my attention.

## Comments (30)

**Taxidermy** (2007-04-21):

To their credit, even weddings for really boring people need live music at times. I would rather see them get the job than someone I could potentially have respect for.

**michael** (2007-04-21):

Much like the jersey number of a legendary sports figure, the soprano sax should have been retired upon Coltrane's death.

**benpoole** (2007-04-21):

Competently played. Polished. Smooth. Boring as fuck.

At least they introduced the live drummer for "Peg": what was the story with the horredous drum box in the Genesis track??

**pranafire** (2007-04-21):

If you think the sax is bad, try the "Love Strings" in the classical section. WOW, my ears were beating away with the intonation.
Now I've just shown you how lame I am, because not only did I click on the link, I even explored the rest of the site, lol

**Gibbon** (2007-04-21):

Clearly he aspires to be michael bolton. I aspire to strap to the next Russian rocket headed for the center of the sun.

**Gibbon** (2007-04-21):

err.. that was I aspire to strap Michael Bolton to the next Russian rocket headed for the center of the sun.

Damny typing machine.

**klemen** (2007-04-21):

ouch shit...

I play soprano (and believe me, it's way harder to keep it in tune than the tenor or alto) but this is shit nevertheless.

k

**DD** (2007-04-21):

Yes, soprano sax seems quite challenging to play correctly, engaginingly, in tune. Much like when I hear a theremin solo, I ask myself, "why did they bother?" I agree with michael - no one should play soprano but John Coltrane. And he's dead, ergo...

**The Cody** (2007-04-21):

I think I saw this as external link on the wikipedia, under Derivative Drivel.

**33degrees** (2007-04-21):

Nobody should play soprano but Coltrane?

What about http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYuBWGEV7x4 Bennie Maupin? (granted, that's a saxello, but it's close enough)

**Chris Randall** (2007-04-21):

I was going to mention Bennie, actually. For what it's worth, he's a little out of tune too, but he's flat (bluesy and nice) versus sharp (Kenny G/Mariah Carey punch me in the ears), and that's fine.

-CR

**noisegeek** (2007-04-21):

Branford Marsalis. Especially the stuff he did when Kenny Kirkland was on keys.
But yes, at this point putting the words "smooth" and "jazz" next to each other ought to be justification for homicide.

**boobs** (2007-04-21):

that stuff is the soundtrack to diarrhea.

i tried to figure out if they were enjoying themselves but i decided they had to be really stoned in order to not care.

**space_monkey** (2007-04-21):

What about john zorn? At least he's the least offensive current proponent of the soprano that I can think of, though i like the stuff that he composes (lke the bar kohba sextet) a lot better than the stuff he plays. What I don't get about the soprano sax is that the clarinet is such a great instrument, and it's already there, so why do people gotta go and fuck with it, make it out of metal, give it a conical bore, and make it sound like shit, you know?

**penzoil washington** (2007-04-21):

I don't even love soprano when Coltrane plays it. My Yamha VL70 actually does a great soprano, including chaotic shrieking. And it's in tune, if I want.

**penzoil washington** (2007-04-21):

PS: I met Bennie Maupin at the Headhunters reunion sessions my friend was engineering, and he is as cool a guy as he is a player.

**space_monkey** (2007-04-22):

Upon reflection, it probably says something when the least offensive living proponent of an instrument plays a style of music called "skronk."

**giantm** (2007-04-22):

All bets are off when you're talking smooth jazz. You have to question any genre that thinks of 1993 as it's high water mark.

**niall** (2007-04-22):

Can't say much about the music, which went in one ear and out the other, but if one's fashion sense is a serious criterion, then there are so many fucktards out there, the epithet is toothless. You looked like something out of a rough trade advert in the 90s, Mr. Randall.

**klemen** (2007-04-22):

What about Wayne Shorter then?

I wanted to say Dave Liebman (but I really don't like his style at all). Steve Lacy's cool though.

k

**v8media** (2007-04-22):

It's not really the same thing, and I'm sure a bunch of you have seen this. It's all I could think about after hearing the extremely smooth music:

http://www.yachtrock.com/

**synthetic** (2007-04-22):

At least they're playing live music, I can't remember the last wedding I went to with a live band. Including my own.

And I don't know if you've been to Philly lately, but the Rosie O'Donnells in the audience would lap that shit up.

**cacealian** (2007-04-23):

Pat Metheny's takedown of Kenny G:
http://www.jazzoasis.com/methenyonkennyg.htm

**neilium** (2007-04-23):

Steve Lacy.
Evan Parker.

btw: Coltrane wasn't exactly the most in-tune player, but his playing was so thick with ideas and imagination that you could let it slide.

**JG** (2007-04-23):

I wondered if someone was going to mention Evan Parker...

Of course, though he is immensely talented, Mr. Parker is like the Rick Wakeman of free-improv; i.e. lots of technical ability and amazing chops buried under layers of ego and pretentiousness. Not to mention that his standard improv phrasing is so indebted to Coltrane that it almost becomes predictable (at least the length of his phrases).

I saw him do a show in Austin a few years back...it was annoyingly "arty" in a self-concious way, particularly every time he and his compatriots trudged in or out of the room - eyes down, too much the serious ar-teestes to acknowledge the crowd. Assholes.

As soprano sax goes (and I'm a sax player), I'd rather hear it from the source (i.e. actual recordings of Coltrane) or forgo it all together and listen to Peter Brotzmann destroy a clarinet. (Now THAT was a great show...no Genesis covers, though.)

**Chris Randall** (2007-04-23):

Anything Peter Brotzmann (or Casper, for that matter) does is fine with me. The two of them comprise what is, for all intents and purposes, the Neubauten of jazz. Not something for listening in polite company, but when I'm driving by myself on the way to snowboard in bad weather, Massaker is perfectly insane music.

If we're going to go down that road, though, my favorite is xmarsx. Mars Williams is a good friend of mine, so my opinion is biased, but the xmarsx album is one of my favorites.

-CR

**neilium** (2007-04-23):

Mars is one haunted horn player. He sits in with Jim Baker (also haunted, plays piano and Arp 2600) every so often at a bar blocks from my place. Hardly anyone comes, but the music is always awesome.

**kL** (2007-04-24):

I second Wayne S. and throw in Sam Rivers.

**JG** (2007-04-26):

I would have gotten to see Mars a few years back when Brotzmann put together that octet tour, but Mr. Williams had some sort of falling-out with Peter and quit the tour a day or two before I saw them in Athens, GA.

Sadly, I have to admit that I am not actually familiar with Mars' work...I'll have to check it out.

**JG** (2007-04-26):

I'm an idiot. I DID see Mars when I saw Liquid Soul several years back...