Dr. Drum, Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Con...
From the original Analog Industries archive. Some links and images from that era no longer resolve.
As you know, from time to time I use the fairly massive Google footprint of this site to provide a public service to musicians that are just starting out, informing them of the various cons that are floating around, in the hopes that a search on a particular product or service will turn up some helpful information.
Today, our target is Dr. Drum, the “Digital Beat Making Software.” Even if you’re not remotely interested in this product, and there’s no reason whatsoever you should be, the video (that auto-plays when you hit the site, natch) is worth its weight in gold, for the simple fact that a generic female voice actor is given a script full of “street” vernacular, and while she enunciates most every word, she regularly drops the G for bangin’, which is hilarious.
“Who wants to mess around with all that tweaky stuff when you could be making beats to impress your gang?”
This software is, of course, a joke. Most of the language in the description is designed to trick you. For instance:
“Remember that I used to suck at mixing beats until I started using Dr Drum. Now, I create professional quality DJ tracks that make my friends jealous. You can too!”
Really? Prove it. Let’s hear these “DJ tracks” that are “professional quality.” Better yet, I’d like to hear from the jealous friends.
“You’ll have access to the same tools as the pros use, but at a fraction of the cost. We’ve got you covered! It’s so simple….”
Okay, two things here. First, these are IN NO WAY “the same tools as the pros use.” Trust me on this one. On the list of the tools pros use to “make beats,” this application would rate somewhere near Microsoft Excel. As in, it’s not. In any way, shape, or form. Period. The second thing? It’s not simple. Making good “beats” is quite difficult, and “Kanye’s producer” (who is, in fact, Kanye) had years of practice on high end kit to be able to do what he does.
“There is almost no learning curve at all. Every song you make will be a banger!”
(Emphasis theirs.) Yes, there is a learning curve. No, every song you make will not be a banger. There is no Magic Potion that can turn you in to Dre or Skrillex. (Well, maybe there is for Skrillex.) If you’re going to spend $29.95 on something to help you in the music industry, I’d suggest $20 on lottery tickets, and the other $9.95 on a pack of cigarettes and a Bic lighter. Believe me when I say the money will be far better spent that way than on this heaping shitpile of shitty bullshit.
We now return to our regularly scheduled program.
59 comments
Ouch.
She drops the G from another word later in the program... Rats, I've forgotten what it was now. No, I'm not going to watch it again to find out.
@synthetic: no, there isn't a single note (or drum hit) anywhere in the presentation.
It's interesting that I saw a very similar promotional video for the Pimsleur foreign-language audio lessons awhile ago. It used the same scribbling-on-whiteboard animation and much the same nebulous, idealistic sales pitch. Maybe there's some marketing firm that specializes in these sorts of promos.
--Adam
FML - it's on sale now? I dropped $330 on this last week...
impartialreviews.org/dr-drum-review/
"you do not need to buy any additional software (such as a sound card).
The hundreds of "review" sites out there are just as funny.
@Subliminal: Excellent--that was it. Thank you for punishing yourself to dredge that up.
@DGillespie and @lazenbleep: much my thought also. How is Dr. Drum different, really?
--Adam
Wow, that was hilarious.
Where did you find this gem? You should host a remix contest of this video/script. 4 bars of banger fury.
Blame Beautypill. It's all his fault.
-CR
I didn't make it through the entire video. Was there even one note of music? Or am I supposed to take it on faith that this doesn't sound like Band in a Box?
I think DEADMAU5 makes all his beats with Dr. Drum.
Ouch.
She drops the G from another word later in the program... Rats, I've forgotten what it was now. No, I'm not going to watch it again to find out.
@synthetic: no, there isn't a single note (or drum hit) anywhere in the presentation.
It's interesting that I saw a very similar promotional video for the Pimsleur foreign-language audio lessons awhile ago. It used the same scribbling-on-whiteboard animation and much the same nebulous, idealistic sales pitch. Maybe there's some marketing firm that specializes in these sorts of promos.
--Adam
The really great thing is that the whole pitch is, "You don't have to learn that complicated professional gear. We have an intuitive interface." Then the software is a horizontal sequencer with a virtual mixer and virtual MPC pads.
Btw, this product was being sold to me from the margins of Facebook. Those demographic targeting algorithms are TIGHT.
I clicked on the link and majesty ensued.
- c
@CR - I think most 13 year olds are also gonna be laughing their ass off at this.
FML - it's on sale now? I dropped $330 on this last week...
impartialreviews.org/dr-drum-review/
"you do not need to buy any additional software (such as a sound card).
The hundreds of "review" sites out there are just as funny.
For those who want to peep the official "training" vids:
http://drdrum.com/training.html
Not surprisingly, that type of website has a name and it's specifically 'designed' to hard sell, sort of the infomercial of web-based sales. It's called a 'sales letter site' (it may have other names) and everything on that page is put there in accordance with this formula. I imagine this is the kind of site they pitch at those 'Make Money on the Web' seminars they hold at the Holiday Inn by the airport.
Here's something I grabbed off google that lays it out: http://visualwebsiteoptimizer.com/split-testing-blog/long-sales-letter-copywriting/
These guys are probably also selling 'anti-virus' software, the Secrets of Direct Marketing, How to Invest in Real Estate with No Money Down. And Snake Oil.
I don't think you're being fair, Chris. Combine Excel with Csound, and you could create a .sco file that would impress your gang. Get a few complex patterns going, use the MOD function to get some interesting pseudo-random divisions of the beat, and you'll be top billin' in no time.
I'm wondering if the narrator is actually a human being. There is something about the sound of it that seems like really good speech synthesis.
'This is 2012, GIMME A BREAK!'
I have to say i was entirely disappointed when i saw the screen shots of grids, browsers and piano rolls. I just want to click on a rabbits foot or a cute girls titty to make bangin' beats
:#
If I buy this software and I'm not "top-billin' in no time," do I get to sue?
@studio nebula: How you could you forget the eloquent phrase "Bringin' the heat"?
I was about to shut the video off but I read your comment and apparently I'm a glutton for punishment and wanted to catch the 2nd dropped G.
So this reminds me of 1993 and a few 386's my buddy pulled out of the trash at his work. There was a "music" application on there that looked like the arranger/mixer view in dr drum. There were 16 fixed sounds but you could use a piano roll for pitch MIDI style if I remember correctly. That was fun for a weekend or two.
Good times.
Anyway it appears dr drum added mad color and sick pro samplez. That should be fun for about a month.
@Subliminal: Excellent--that was it. Thank you for punishing yourself to dredge that up.
@DGillespie and @lazenbleep: much my thought also. How is Dr. Drum different, really?
--Adam
I'm honestly curious what its like to use.... or even if it functions. Does it have like a non-defeatable limiter that just smashes the piss out of everything it passes?
Not $30 worth of curiosity, though.
Real quote: "Dudes will want to dance to your grooves."
'Nope the software will run fine on all computers no matter what spec they are.'
Time to dust off the TRS-80.
Three steps seems a little to convoluted. If they had made this a web app then we could miss out step 1 (download), step 2 (install).... and go straight to step 3 (making sick beats).
- Hugo
So it's basically an extraordinarily shitty version of GarageBand?
Unique bangers in minutes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing says "quality software" like your company's logo eating up the first 100px of your workspace!
Lulz:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ziovaLGIXA
I wish I could track down whoever is behind this. The domain Whois info refers to a "Dan Anahory" in the UK but results for that name look extra spammy, referring to some kind of internet entrepreneur wunderkind. BUT, if I was a kid with "ten companies across the globe" and one of them was a piece of music software designed to make as much money as possible with as little work as possible, Dr. Drum is probably what it would like.
@bongo_x - Oh they say it differently: "uncover your hidden talent" sounds a bit less insulting to the target customer.
Side note: I missed the Blue Monday sale. Chris, any chance of AD having a discount like Dr. Drum? You know, 91% off?
Seriously, I'm bummed when I see stuff like this because I know there are kids that are going to fall for it. They have sites like these for just about anything you can imagine. It must be worth their while financially, otherwise they wouldn't do it.
That's why I despise shit like this. I mean, some 13-year-old kid is gonna read that shit and believe it. Of course, he has to have his hopes and dreams ground under the iron boot of commerce at some point; this is the music industry, after all. But we all do what we can.
-CR
I JUST BOUGHT REPLICANT HOW DO I GET IT TO WORK IN DR DRUM
Here's a tutorial video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laynXVsBulg
-CR
Aren't "bangers" a kind of sausage?
Screw the beatz software. I want a copy of the app that makes that whiteboard pitch thingy.
@lazen blip " I just want to click on a rabbits foot or a cute girls titty to make bangin' beats"
Well you should find Darkware's Perky! to your liking. Its too bad CR has opted for functionality over sensuality in the interface department.
http://www.gersic.com/plugins/hosted/darkware/PERKY%21.ZIP
oh and btw Glitch Girl from Darkware offers a lot of the same "functionality" for those moments when you just have to tweek a nipple
@CR - I think most 13 year olds are also gonna be laughing their ass off at this.
"Of course, he has to have his hopes and dreams ground under the iron boot of commerce at some point"
Indeed. Indeed.
That is freakin comedy genius.
I'm imagining a couple hundred kids over at KVR saying "Finally!". This is cynically and unabashedly aimed at all the people who post "WEARS THE VST'S THAT MAKE BEATS WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY TALENT OR IDEAS?" (They might actually say it a little differently, but that's how I hear it) Someone saw a need and is looking to fill it.
HOW DO I LOOSE WAIT WITH NO DIET OR EXERCIZE?
bb
That's pretty good speech synthesis. They should be selling that instead. "Sound like a human being without opening your mouth! You'll be bangin' out awesome, bangin' sales pitches in no time! How awesome is that?!!"
I'm with boobs - he is da bangin' man!
Dr. Drum is surely from the same camp as the "legendary" DubTurbo, no? At least the tactics of having a gazillion "independent" review sites and the gaudy-as-fuck advertising is exactly the same.
from their q&a:
Q. Can I get a refund on the software?
A. Yes you can but the software will immediately stop working
how does this work?
do they cut your electric off as well?
Whoa. It gets dark!
http://www.drdrum.com/affiliates.html
- c
Hysterical, if only because 'bangers' means 'boobs' in my part of the world. Unique boobs in minutes! Yay!
I don't understand the "affiliates" page, at all. This goes straight to the part of my brain that refuses to learn what things like this mean. Happens a lot as I get older. There's only so much room in the brain, and it's not getting any bigger.
bb
To be clear, I don't understand it either. It's just obvious that it's some predatory weirdness for dummies.
- c
It looks kind of like a sort of pyramid scheme. People use their dr drum program to make beats, and then try to sell other people on it with their own beats as a marketing tool. They get a commission from the sale.
Ok, so this'll cover my Dr. Dre, Timbaland and Scott Storch bases. But then what AD tool do I need to fill in my Swizz Beatz, David Guetta and Will.I.am sound?
This reminds me of the Sausage Fattener, but Dada Life. These guys aren't taking themselves seriously, but they are so popular that their fanbase might:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHFzfZl6NQQ
correction: by Dada Life*
From what I gather, the affiliates program is just an opportunity for anyone to become an independent sales person for Dr. Drum. The real meat is in the commissions section where it gives you various pricing levels for the same products and how much money you'll make from selling each one. The upsell/downsell stuff is two different prices for the same product, if you sell it for a higher price you get a higher commission. The thing that struck me as super sketchy about this is that one of the upsells is a $20 a month charge for the "Dr. Drum Plug-in Pack". While subscription services aren't in and of themselves evil, there's a tendency in scams like this for the sales people not to mention the recurring charge, so people buy this software for $35 and get a recurring $20 a month charge to continue using it.
There's also nothing generally wrong with subcontracting to outside sales reps, but the sales reps will represent your brand and an honest business would do this by finding honest reliable people, vetting them, and keeping tabs on them to make sure they're not being dishonest and causing problems for your customers and damage to your brand. The sketchy way to do it is put up a web page which tries to sign up as many anonymous sales "affiliates" as possible over which you have no control, the offer them large cash rewards for getting as many sales as possible.
For instance, I haven't clicked through the links, but I don't see anything here keeping people from purchasing some stolen credit card numbers and "selling" a whole bunch of Dr. Drums with recurring plug-in packs and banking ~75% of those charges. Even if most people dispute those charges not everyone will and you'll probably make money. And since you're an independent contractor it won't come back on Dr. Drum. It's all very "Glengarry Glen Ross" updated for 2012.
"control the low tones, mid tones, and high tones"
this reminds me of when a dvd package lists "scene selection" as its only special feature.
As Chris brought out I like the "Kanye Wests' producer." comment..
That's like saying "Play guitar like Eddie Van Halens' guitarist."
I like the "forget the boring music theory and all of that nonsense" line. They are marketing this to people who actually don't give a shit about music at all, only to people who want to impress their friends.
Also, you cannot export audio in WAV format in "the other guys'" products? Funny that this would be a selling point - I guess they are banking on the fact that their demographic is comprised entirely of idiots who don't have basic Google skills.
When family is over and I am working on tunes for hours ( yes, lol ), they get sick of hearing it, ask me when I am gonna be done. I have this bro in law who always comes in and says I can make better music in minutes on my PS3 with the Carl Cox game... he throws some loops together in 3 minutes and bam... they smile at him and treat me like a hermit.
@inteliko - that's probably how carl cox makes his music too only he uses a bunch of loops form disco records.
at any rate.. don't take the bate from your bro in law. then you'll have to explain the subjectivity of art and this will quickly become tiresome.
Thanks Boobs.
I bought Dr. Drum the "Digital Beatmaking Software" back when it was full price (I should really have acted as my own reseller and got 75% back) and it took my about two days (including sleep) to produce a sick demo. The software installed with no problems on my Pentium 2.
Then as luck would have it I saw a big name producer (can't say who! NDA!) in the street and played him one of my tracks on my phone.
He loved it, and said he would put it out as a white label. I was thrilled! All my dreams were coming true. But when I checked my Dr. Drum literature I was appalled to discover that I had to pay an extra $39.95 for a commercial licence.
I couldn't afford that - I'd just paid out for an Oxygen8 master keyboard - so my record deal never happened and my faith in the music industry was crushed forever, which was really inconvenient because I'd just paid out for an Oxygen8 master keyboard.
So don't pin your dreams on Dr. Drum is my advice, which is kind of ironic because the lead track on my demo was called "Pin your Dreams on Dr. Drum".
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